Trust is like broken glass, once broken it is never the same.

The Horse and the Rat

So a compatibility issue between the horse and the rat exists for time immemorial. The Chinese got it and wrote about it. This Horse now sees the folly in what we are doing.

The water Rat talkative, shrewd, conservative, and wise and the Fire Horse smart, charismatic, lively, overflowing with enthusiasm, but stubborn.

I guess the water is pouring all over my fire.


12 Years

The days pass by and the moments extend into the night. Laughing comes at times so easily and memories fade away, but it is still there. A moment in a film, a word or phrase, a look. A feeling comes over me and the dark floods the mind. Anything I say, helpful, hopeful words are punctured by spite. I hear the same words being uttered by my own children, I am repeating the cycle of victimhood.

We never talk anymore, it’s all just work or house or order or … We never talk, it is just all taken for granted. 12 years this year.

12 years this year. It will be 12 years, but in 2010, it all changed. TRUST was broken and I am still picking up the pieces.

A new house has led to a new man knocking on the door. I have found I am a good actor.

God I am very lonely.

Too much pleasantry

So, a few days ago my world’s view was once a gain challenged and the old monster found its way to the front¬†once again. Green with jealous intention and mistrust. Once again the old guy has lingered in my world view, clouding my outlook and disabling my life. How does it do that? What chemical reaction makes me feel this way? What aspects of the life I lead make me susceptible to these feelings of doubt? I know that the shard of broken glass has twisted and torn at the scars inside my mind.

When, oh when will this ever end? Has this subsided for others. Is trust still an issue for others?

My family

So, I come back again. Downed by solitude. Eaten by the green eyed monster and the shards of broken promises made a while ago feature like bright stars in my view. I am lost. Full, I mean just full of hate and anger. Full of doubt, mistrust and poisoned by the toxic waste of relationshipitis. I just long for a feeling of warm love, company, partnership. I long for friendship. Unadulterated friendship.

My mind is loose, without decency and shape, distorted by truth veiled in lies.

Not a good day. Not a good day.


So, rum.

I sit and drink in my bed alone. My wife is away with work and yet I sit here. Patiently; stereotypically.  Bored, bored, bored and lonely.



So, it’s been a while since I posted anything, everything. But I have found my voice once again. So 10 year anniversary came and went. I romantically papered over the cracks and did the surprise thing, flowers even the eternity ring. It just doesn’t sit right. In the mind. In my mind. I suppose she has tried and been trying to build the marriage back up once again, trying to pretend that it was all a mistake. Trying to make things right. I am my own worst enemy. I sit here now. In a foreign land and I have lost my will. I have lost my strength. I have lost. I am lost.

This all sounds so selfishly pragmatic. It is all just a waste. I have sought out those people that most hurt me. ME that is who most hurts me: ME.

So I sit and drink. She has gone away with work. I sit and drink. such a typical story of so many failed marriages. Failed attempts. I need to find myself, me, my likes. Maybe I never knew what that was.

I know it’s over. It’s just time.

MIddle Ground

When a woman agrees to marry she agrees with the inherent understanding that she can change her man, but becomes despondent when she fails to change him. A man agrees to marry thinking his woman will never change, but she does.

How can things go so wrong and so much hurt and pain be brought to the surface. A man comes in to a marriage with all his ambition, desire and drive explicitly apparent in the veil of his persona. A woman comes, full of hope for a new and different future that can be built in her image. The paths begin to drift slowly, ever so slowly away from one another. Two rain drops in the cloud fall side by side, reflect the same light and glimmering in the sunshine. As they fall the darkness falls and the shadows cloud the light. The wind blows them apart and a breeze may send one in to a darkness so bleak it can never be retrieved. Occasionally the sparkle my reappear as they drift in and out of the shadows. Eventually they reach the hard, cold surface of the road. They bounce and dance and splash about and dissolve into a river of inevitability. I heard a song this week and it inspired me to reflect once again on my situation. I have sought the refuge of the arms of another once again, and I seek the warmth of want and need. I seek out those that want to be with me and want to make a difference to me, in me with me, for me. How did it come to this? Why do I feel so lonely surrounded by people. This is not my middle ground.
My house is sold. I am finally free of my previous ties. Yet I do not feel free. I feel vulnerable, lost, tortured with nothing to call MINE. This shell marriage is hollow.

Where is the middle ground?